Protected: my brain is a goldmine.

OBVIOUSLY there is a playlist to set the mood. Of which I will deconstruct later, if u please.

This is a mixed media

Theonlytimeimeverpresentiswheimyackingup.

The full body sensation you get, starting in your lower back that lurches you forward. I missed the toilet.

…

Customers mumbling and scuffing their feet above me. Ugh. My head spins: vision doubling.

Frantic knocks on the door. “YO-” my coworker leaves a toothbrush and overly sweetened coffee outside. And darts back upstairs.

All I can focus on is the bitter scolding echoing from my earbuds…

“-you smoking weed was like you cheating on me!”

here comes another round but I can barely see the toilet.

Shaking is my next breath as I wipe the sludge off my mouth.

“-I’ll never forgive u. Goodbye.” ** click**

Curling into a ball on the freezing crusty tiles. My vision shrinks again. Bile swims around my mouth.

This isn’t the most complex painting to understand.

In retrospect all is fair in love and ***war. No point in further airing out dirty laundry though.

This painting was many months in the making as I wanted my hard work over the years (of writing these letters) to be memorialized in something beautiful, other than memories.

Absolution, kind of like a forgiveness and release in one (+ bonus of being a religious term. )

At the end of the day this painting is for me. It is absolution.

PSA: Jeffrey Lewis.

BREAKDOWN.

Basically since forever (the 90s) Jeffrey begun making low budget visuals to go with his writing/ music. This started as an overly larger picture book accompanied by a poem; and later led to what you’ve just seen. A man describing his version of the “great gatspy” completely in limericks.

This playful concert really resparked a lot of creative energy within me. Concerts don’t have to be *coughcough sematary* artists going out onstage preforming their greatest hits with a little banter.

This man humbly sold his own merch, took the time to talk to me, signed my zine with a heart and then complimented my hair. Safe to say he has a fan for life. Not only him though. “Grasping for straws” and his entire band were very friendly and even joined the crowd to dance with us. It was just in the little details that make such a impactful performance.

PS: if you take the time to watch this I’ll be throughly impressed AND you’ll get a goldstar+ a lil kiss.

Here are some jot notes I took that night.

Back by popular request : My notes app ❤

She started reading again ?! How long will this last…

Yes bitch I read by the lake KILL ME!

One quote from the book “Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow” really stood out:

“[Character name] was always pretty, but she was beautiful when she was in love”

I feel like a lot of good parts of me come out when I’m in love. Though I’m trying to re direct this energy. No one has ever stayed in my life longer than a couple years so putting all this creative energy and time into people only ever ends up hurting me. I’m also mad at who I’ve chosen to love and who I haven’t given enough to. **summerize simply*

sixteenth note

In the beginning I kept track of how many days we’d been apart.

I’d count how many anniversaries we’d missed.

Though eventually I stopped …

I’ve begun watching the seasons pass, kept track by my evolving hair colours.

Months kept track by the next big concert

Weeks come and go until I see my closest friends again.

I let my French press steep as long

as my favourite song.

The time will pass anyway.

Mallory in an Alphabet

A good friend bought me the pinkpantheress zine.

It came with her word association alphabet.

This is my play on it with words that are me.

A- Animated

B- Bashful

C- Cat-lady

D- Devoted

E- Eclectic

F- Flowerlike

G- Giddy

H- Highbrow

I- Intimate

J- Juxtaposed

K- Klutzy

L- Lively

M- Mischievous

N- Nauseous

O- Openminded

P- Pink

Q- Qabalistic

R- Romantic

S- Sensitive

T- Tea

U- Urban

V- VAIN.

W- Whimsy

X- Xenial

Y- Yippppieee

Z- Zany

aftertaste of june

Photos I took or inspired.

Most Expensive outfit I've ever worn Photo Photo Photo

I am not your manic pixie freak By Mallory Paige Webber

Little did I know the seemingly innocent jar of “Manic-Panic Purple Haze”™ would change my life forever. The easily influenced little baby faced Mallory, who was so parched for male-attention. She begins lathering her hair thick with colour, smells of those blueberry smelly markers from her childhood. Her eyeliner became thicker and chunkier by the day; influenced by those girls online. Those online girls who had what seemed an unending string of praise from men. I wanted to become what those men wanted. Neither Mom nor Dad had anything to say about her new look, changing faster than the seasons. 

  Suddenly someone noticed this self described “mature-for-her-age” fourteen year old. Subsequently my family was in my doctor’s office. She had recognized my chemical imbalance. I started taking zoloft; practically ticking off the check-boxes of the stereotype day by day. 

 “She’s a teenage dream if you hate yourself…

Bright dyed hair

Floured mind

and SSRI’s (in my case zoloft)” – NegativeXP, (0:17-28). 

  After that Mom and Dad started paying attention but it was a little too late. I pushed myself far away, some lame-ass man had taken all my love. I bent metaphorically and literally down for his love. 

” You rope me in to what you what you want me to be.

You’re so disgusting 

you’re disgusting 

… just let me be

….

Cause I’m neither a saint nor your greatest desire

… 

I won’t be 

what you want!” – Dear Evangeline, (0:28-1:49). 

  Now freshly sixteen I attended my first Piper Maru show. I melted away when I heard her sing and by the end of the first song I became reborn. This guardian angel sang of being fetishized and taken advantage of. And the fog disappeared around me. I put my foot down and stood-up for myself that night in the pit (and outside of it). 

“You’re brooding and imaginative 

coming apart at the seams

I’m here to sew you up 

I’m here to take care

but when you’re done and better you’ll be looking elsewhere

I’m not you fucking mother

I’m not a fairy guide

I’m not the one to cure you

All those movies fucking lied. (AKA Scott Pilgrim Vs the World) 

I’M NOT YOUR MANIC-PIXIE-DREAM-GIRL” – Piper Maru, (0:31-56) 

  As I apply rainbows of colours to my hair now, it’s not for anyone but myself. I may cringe at my past when at a party someone drunkly slurs that “[I].. look like that one cartoon character.”.  Although, as much as I may share some resemblance or characteristics to Ramona or Clemintine, my character has been completely my own since that fateful night. 

In da [ica] archives of my notes app

Sometimes poetry should stay in your notes app and sometimes it shouldn’t – Me

“You’re so vain (YOURE SO VAIN). You probably think this [notes app rambling] is about you!don’t you don’t you?” – Carly Simon

Also I’m enjoying nicotine again snap me outta this it’s so cringe

Morally Mallory,

As of late I don’t even know if I agree with the decisions I’m making. This period of my life is literally “doing it for the plot”. I feel surrounded by love yet it feels semi performative as though it’s to get something out of me. This obviously doesn’t apply to everyone just I feel like I need to either watch my back or hide away. Lately it’s been easier to hide away. This is in no way a cry for help I am just being authentic open about my current sitch. I feel like life is making me relive the same lesson until I learn it and my lord is this a tough puzzle. I often go back to the idea that things would just be easier on a compound living blindly in service to some higher power. But like man. I hold myself to some wack standards at this point.

Conclusive

I’d really really really appreciate ANY thoughts anyone reading this has. As an artist that’s like my main goal is to leave some sort of question or pondering in your mind. So ask. ((This entire blog is very vulnerable and I am really excited that people want to read it in the first place but yeah does make me nervous as this is like my guts spilled.))

Also I’ve been loving bruises lately as well as sfx I may start some freaky art in that realm soon (fingers crossed eyes peeled ladies)

Also FOLLOW MY PINTEREST U HOES. Easier way to stalk my moves if u care.